Heckles for Freckles

There is nothing remotely beautiful about a beauty mark. I used to just go along with the common misconception, which turned into quite the popular fad some time ago. I believe it was Cindy Crawford who put the beauty mark on the map. She may or may not have even coined the phrase. Um, well guess what Cindy? I have those little fucking critters all over my body too, and I'm not a super model...know why? Because they are called goddamn freckles! Just because your best one just so happens to be located on your luscious upper lip, standing out like a turqoise toilet, doesn't mean that you can casually call it a "beauty mark". My best one resides one my fat, pasty, 1980's hockey helmet-esque ass, and its called a birth mark for crying out loud. I'm forced to call mine a "birth" mark, as if I slid recklessly down the vaginal cavity "fun slide", ass first, and on my way out skinned the shit out of my upper back man thigh, doomed eternally with a brown blemish due to my over zealous attempt to get out of that frat house of a womb.

Yes that's right, mommy dearest knocked the bottle back with an unquenchable thirst while preggers with yours truly.(They found a Scarface poster and a shot-gunned High Life on my ultrasound. This would have been somewhat embarassing for Ma had she not later found out what was discovered in Tara Reid's chest during her massive failure of a jug job: A carton of Winstons and a ginger flavored diaphragm.) The jig is up Crawford. You had your fun, but I'm finally blowing up your "spot". It looks like a dollop of shit. It looks like a cow woofed down a half acre of tall grass and dung-ed out the ticks on your lip. Dung-ed may or not be a verb, but if I shit out shit, then fucking Bessie must sure as hell dung out dung.

But you're still a supermodel and I still love you. If you ever decide to get that thing frozen off, don't discard it. I may just happen to know a certain birth mark that could use a good friend to lean on...let's just say he's in a real dark place right now...

And for those of you who are wondering - YES. This means that I would surgically implant Cindy's beauty mark onto my fat ass...and so would any of you...so get in line.