From All Angles

Gianna Michaels is the most whorish porn star on the planet. She's filthy, nasty, repulsive, and unbelievably charming all rolled into one. Alot of porn stars talk the talk but Gianna takes the cock for a walk...I've actually seen her play frisbee with one...and she trained Peter North's to fetch the morning paper...

She is an absolute pin cushion...Everyone has that grandmother that leaves her little tuft that's jammed with 6 gazillion pins out by the sewing machine, and when you are younger this object looks like a fucking phenomenon because it's unlike the toys and crayons that you're used to seeing - This is Gianna Michaels. I just wish she would use an ACTUAL sewing kit and take the time necessary to mend her hockey goalie's mask-vagina...and not the freddie crougar ones but the BIG, lavish ones that they started painted cool designs on around the mid 90's...

She is freak of nature who will choke down every penis she sees, regardless of who's it's attached to. The sound she makes when she's regurgitating a shlong is reminiscent of my 'bout with squash back in the day. Everytime I ate that vegetable, canned or pureed, I hacked and choked like a drowning swimmer. I had forgotten about it all these years until the sound of Gianna swallowing a 45 inch man sword and spitting it up like a collicky baby, jogged my memory...

Bottom line is...My penis is afraid of her...her techniques scare the shit out of me and that's not something that's easy to do...Too bad I'll never know what it's like to plow her, because I'm pretty sure that one day soon she will be overheard addressing a crowd: "And for my next stunt, I will be airlifted and hover above the Eiffel Tower, I will then release my harness, sending me, vadge-first, towards the apex spire, where I will land, with the greatest monument ever constructed, in my snatch..."

This will obviously kill her, but she's willing to die for the cause and it's downright respectable... I mean come on, what are the other French porn stars doing? Using Baguettes? That's child's play for G.M.

A REAL NEWSSANCE

I hope I'm not the only one who gets an absolute fucking KICK out of watching a man and woman news anchor team interact with each other. It's about as pleasant as trying to get some privacy in Octo-mom's womb. They have a deeeep hatred for one another that is overly exploited the more they try to joke around with each other in between stories. All they really want to do is find new ways to hold and tap their ballpoint pen on the news desk, or stack and shuffle their papers so they form a unified, perfect square and return to their rightful order. Instead, they feel the need to grind out a hideous conversation with one another ending in some of the worst jokes ever told.

Woman Anchor: Well folks, who would have thought it up, but a grocery store actually saved a civilian's life this afternoon...A robbery was in place and as the crook had his pistol locked, loaded and aimed at Ms. Madeline Jennings, a substantial box of Kashi whole grain cereal fell loose from the top shelf, landing on the man's trigger hand and knocking the firearm to the floor. A jar of jelly then toppled and plummeted from the top row, smashing into the man's forehead and rendering him unconscious. Amazing. You heard it here first - the store is a hero.

Man Anchor: Talk about a Super-Market, Diane...

Woman Anchor: I know Bill. I just wonder what flavor that jelly was. Apri-caught, or Apri-hended?

Dear God these two losers have a strong dislike for each other. They force smiles and overall goodwill between one another for the entire hour. And then, when the Camera's stop rolling YOU KNOW one of them has got to instantly fucking LOSE IT! "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE JIM (the network executive) SHE HAS GOT TO FUCKING GO...IT'S EITHER ME OR HER!!

That's when the weather man mediator steps in as the third party who diffuses some of the awkwardness. The anchors are so overly happy to see him though that they go out of their way with their welcoming, as if its a bigger relief than crapping out an absolute perm of backed up shit...

Man Anchor: And NOW FOR THE WEATHER, ITS OUR FAVORITE MAN OF THE HOUR, METEOROLOGIST TIMMY "TEN DAY OUTLOOK" THOMAS...

Woman Anchor: THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE RAIN OR SHINE RASCAL, TIM TIM TIMMMMY TIM

Like they are introducing a fucking circus act....they are just so goddamn happy that he's there to take the focus of their heinous banter....

I Kissed a Frog and I Liked it

Um, did Katy Perry just get hot overnight? It seems as though two months ago she looked like a dirty fish tank, jumpin around on stage with no remorse for the pain she was causing the rest of us. Now she is an absolute fox. Someone fucking snapped their fingers and this chick became a true smoke show. It's good to see wizards and magicians are using their powers for good these days instead of pissin' in their dunce caps and making lightning with their hands... the grandest trick of all was turning Katy Perry from a walking catastrophe to a girl for whom I would deep fry my ball bag if it meant she'd graze my chick stick...

It's pretty much a reverse version of the old toad/prince fairy tale. She must have smooched that lilly jumper and instead of him turnin' into prince charming, she turned into a girl with a head that people no longer want to throw a bag over...You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince...or before guys would consider doing you...Katy Perry, I love you my dear, but maybe go smooch that pond dwelling amphibian one last time...Frogs don't have much to live for besides flies, and strumming their 17 inch tongues to see what sound it makes (much like we all fucking do when we're bored with the gum in our mouths...clench one end in your front teeth, stretch that son bitch out with your right hand and pluck her once or twice with the left)...It just sucks that the last chick that the little pond hopper frenched was hideous...and now she's an absolute twelve after the fact...

It's like when your wife uses the divorce settlement money to get a tit job...that you'll never get to enjoy.

Cougars Take Notice: You're Old As Fuck

Two "cougars" (hot older bitches) sued the pants off Chapter 8 nightclub in Agoura, CA. The bar is a notorious cougar hangout and was featured as the location for a video called "The Great Cougar Hunt of '08." The ladies were apparently insulted beyond repair and found it fit to take legal action. I just fucking learned about this the other day (although it's a year later) and I am absolutely disgusted...Who do these weathered, wrinkly, old rags think they are? They should be thrilled as fuck that they are even being labeled as cougars in the first place. Because let me tell you, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A COUGAR. Let's use a fun anecdote here shall we?

6 sabertooth tigers are traversing a ravine and come across a group of tasty, meaty wildabeasts. The W.B.'s are obviously no match for the ferocious felines and are getting devoured one by one. There is a serious skirmish and amidst the tussle the dust begins to form rendering all the animals visually handicapped. Moments later the cloud of dirt settles to reveal 20 dead wildabeasts but only 5 living sabertooths. The tigers pan around and begin to wonder how they lost one of their peers. Surely, this must be a mistake. There's no way in shit that one of the wildebeasts could have taken down a majestic saber. Sure enough the truth is soon uncovered. Turns out the "funny looking " one in their pack wasn't a sabertooth after all, but instead an ugly ass, meager, ant eater in tiger attire who got trampled and eaten while his strong companions munched down the spoils.

Ugly older ladies, are you still with me? The lesson here is that just because you roll to the fucking bar with a pack of hot 50 year olds, DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU ARE ONE! Most of you really are not attractive at all. The only thing that makes you intriguing is your age... You pony up to the bar with your one attractive friend and suddenly you think you're a looker yourself. Your face looks like its been asleep on a car battery for 6 years, and your eyeliner actually isn't lining anything, except my stomach with a semi-thick coat of bile that will soon exit my yapper in the form of throw up if you come any closer.

I'd probably rather mess around with an actual cougar than you wannabe pieces of washed up wreckage. Mountain lions are attractive animala, and at least they are consistently good looking.

Cougar older ladies apparently got the name because they prey and pounce on young guys. Well first of all, actual cougar cats don't prey or pounce on anything, it seems like. People are always so afraid of them, but from what I've seen, there's never been a calmer creature. They just observe from high altitudes and then pur ever so lightly when they get close to you. They walk slowly, get face to face and just when you think they are going to rip your fucking skull off, they lick like a lover...and lick and lick some more.

Yea I know that's not true...But I'm pretty sure if a mountain lion was hungry he/she would fucking pounce on anyone, not just a young boy...If you really want to get some accuracy for that nickname then ditch "cougar" and refer to these older bags of bones as priests.

"Dude, I gotta get laid. So, we're all goin' Father huntin' tonight at Chapter 8...but bring you're [pet] cougar incase we strike out."

This could quite possibly be the most misunderstood sentence ever created...I don't recommend blurting it out any time soon...

Im Writing This In The Waiting Room Of a Free Clinic

I went slumming last night, and ended up with an absolute pig in my bed. She reeked of garlic and sins. I'm 57% sure that she was a full fledged whore, and I accidentally put my pee pee in her pooper with no rubber on...That is why I'm sitting in a Free Clinic getting tested for EVERYTHING...I'm a little worried, considering her vagina looked like a Jeep Wrangler's profile shot...No door at all. Just an open aired hazard accident waiting to happen...and my shlong was the ever popular "roll bar"...But don't get me wrong this was no day at the beach...She was loose as a goose.

I'm pretty sure she was truly disgusting, and may or may not have been born at a strip club...while her mother was in the middle of a dance...

And as long as we're talking theories...I also think that she was potentially the first baby ever to be birthed out of an asshole instead of a vagina...At least we know she doesn't always look to take the easy way out...

DEAR GOD

Honestly, Megan Fox is the hottest girl I've ever seen in my goddamn life. She is the best looking human being on the planet and every other even remotely good looking girl resembles smeared, puke covered, green, shit turds in comparison. She could have volcanic herpes, an earthworm taking up residence in her damp, soil packed, snatch, while farting smog and drooling acid rain and I'd still bang her in a heart beat. She makes my dank piece harder than dry-wall...I have aspirations of mounting her on a newly painted park bench...We wouldn't find out that the white paint hadn't dried yet and then giggle in the middle of a kiss when we both realized we were covered in it.

It's the only way to flog Megan Fox, because who the fuck is going to believe you when you say you two just did the deed. You go to your buddies "Dude, I just fucked Megan Fox"..."Haha yea right you dipshit liar, you probably just misread the Wet Paint sign on a park bench and sat down like an idiot."

But when you go find Foxy and she is covered in off-white Benjamin Moore, YOU PROOF IS RIGHT THERE....and everyone will believe you. FACT....Because there is no chance that both of you sat on the same wet park bench....and DIDNT hook up....not possible....