Cougars Take Notice: You're Old As Fuck

Two "cougars" (hot older bitches) sued the pants off Chapter 8 nightclub in Agoura, CA. The bar is a notorious cougar hangout and was featured as the location for a video called "The Great Cougar Hunt of '08." The ladies were apparently insulted beyond repair and found it fit to take legal action. I just fucking learned about this the other day (although it's a year later) and I am absolutely disgusted...Who do these weathered, wrinkly, old rags think they are? They should be thrilled as fuck that they are even being labeled as cougars in the first place. Because let me tell you, JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE OLD DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A COUGAR. Let's use a fun anecdote here shall we?

6 sabertooth tigers are traversing a ravine and come across a group of tasty, meaty wildabeasts. The W.B.'s are obviously no match for the ferocious felines and are getting devoured one by one. There is a serious skirmish and amidst the tussle the dust begins to form rendering all the animals visually handicapped. Moments later the cloud of dirt settles to reveal 20 dead wildabeasts but only 5 living sabertooths. The tigers pan around and begin to wonder how they lost one of their peers. Surely, this must be a mistake. There's no way in shit that one of the wildebeasts could have taken down a majestic saber. Sure enough the truth is soon uncovered. Turns out the "funny looking " one in their pack wasn't a sabertooth after all, but instead an ugly ass, meager, ant eater in tiger attire who got trampled and eaten while his strong companions munched down the spoils.

Ugly older ladies, are you still with me? The lesson here is that just because you roll to the fucking bar with a pack of hot 50 year olds, DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU ARE ONE! Most of you really are not attractive at all. The only thing that makes you intriguing is your age... You pony up to the bar with your one attractive friend and suddenly you think you're a looker yourself. Your face looks like its been asleep on a car battery for 6 years, and your eyeliner actually isn't lining anything, except my stomach with a semi-thick coat of bile that will soon exit my yapper in the form of throw up if you come any closer.

I'd probably rather mess around with an actual cougar than you wannabe pieces of washed up wreckage. Mountain lions are attractive animala, and at least they are consistently good looking.

Cougar older ladies apparently got the name because they prey and pounce on young guys. Well first of all, actual cougar cats don't prey or pounce on anything, it seems like. People are always so afraid of them, but from what I've seen, there's never been a calmer creature. They just observe from high altitudes and then pur ever so lightly when they get close to you. They walk slowly, get face to face and just when you think they are going to rip your fucking skull off, they lick like a lover...and lick and lick some more.

Yea I know that's not true...But I'm pretty sure if a mountain lion was hungry he/she would fucking pounce on anyone, not just a young boy...If you really want to get some accuracy for that nickname then ditch "cougar" and refer to these older bags of bones as priests.

"Dude, I gotta get laid. So, we're all goin' Father huntin' tonight at Chapter 8...but bring you're [pet] cougar incase we strike out."

This could quite possibly be the most misunderstood sentence ever created...I don't recommend blurting it out any time soon...