555-FUCK YOU

Do girls really still give out fake phone numbers these days. If they do, then they can seriously go fuck themselves. Getting digits is a craft, an art form, a skill that needs to be honed over time, nurtured and cared for. Girls need to be really careful not to ruin too many men's spirits because pretty soon it's going to come back to haunt them and I will explain why, shortly.

First of all is there any worse feeling in the fucking history of feelings than dialing up what you think is a legit smokeshow's number, only to be greeted with a fucking "Cocky Bagels, we let our spreads go to our heads. This is Jim how can I help you?" FUUUUCK. You've just been duped and now instead of asking sweet Alyssa from the club on a date, you're left with two options:

1) You can just say fuck it and give Jim you're bagel order "Yea I'll take a plain bagel with plain cream cheese for my plain life with a plain flat out zero chance of ever getting a hot chick." - "Would you like that toasted sir?" - "Only if it's gonna ease the pain (tears, sniffles)...You know what, cancel that order, I don't think I can eat right now..."

or

2) You can pour your heart out to Jim over the phone and actually go through with the explanation of what happened and how depressing your sex-free life is. Jim doesn't even know you from Adam but will probably either end up calling you a plain bagel eating pussy, or saying something ridiculous like "It's her loss man, she doesn't know what she's missing out on (then make some lame bagel-related joke) There's plenty of poppy's in the field...and there's two halves to every whole" (whatever the dick that means).

I mean everytime you ask for someone's number and they act like they don't know what you're even talking about - "What? my number? Oh you mean my phone number? The one where the area code is sometimes written down in parentheses depending on personal preference?" They are just buying themselves fucking time to think of which actual number they are going to change when they give you an answer. You have to buy time because if you don't, and decide to wing it as it's coming outta your mouth, you're gonna end up saying something like 676-856-984curl20 because you'll have a brain fart and sound like an everlasting retard. Curl20? Bitch, what the fuck does that mean?

All I'm saying through this whole thing is that girls need to be careful because there is something they are not thinking of. EVERY SINGLE phone number combination pretty much already exists and belongs to someone. It's not like when you drop a fake on a guy he is just calling outer fucking space and he is going to hear silence and sonar beeps. NO, he's gonna reach someone. And since serial killers, rapists, deranged body-experimenting scientists, finger licking cannibals, ill-temepered non-union lumberjacks, and spacey glass dildo distributors have phone numbers, there is a serious chance they could pick up.

One of these days you are gonna give out a fake number that belongs to one of these psychos, I'm gonna call it, and they are answer with the oldest line in the book "How did you get this number?" You say "Oh it was this tramp Jill at TriCity Pub." He will flip out, find you, rip your limbs off, make a fort out of them, and hang out inside of it while he feeds what's left of you poison pasta.