Dried fruit is arguably the most disgusting snack on planet earth. Last time I checked, sucking the life outta something usually didn't end up making it appetizing. A bag of this fucking orchard abortion looks like 100 super-glued vagina's that all toppled onto each other after a failed cheerleader pyramid. The apples look like shriveled diaphragm's, and the cranberries look like the rotting teeth on a dentally challenged inbred cornhusker. I don't get the appeal at all.
The guy who gets hired to sit out in the sun and watch this stuff coil up within an inch of rotten-ness must be fucking confused as hell.
"Now Tommy (by the way, fuck someone starting off instructions they are giving you with "now" followed by your name) We're payin' you good money to sit out here and make sure this fruit dries up beyond recognition. That's your only job. Just make sure the fruit looks like it's going bad, but doesn't really go bad. Just make sure the apricots look like they were trampled by geese, and thrown into a public pool on a warm day with a heavy piss volume."
He's probably sitting out there like "What the fuck am I doing with myself? I'm pretty sure when my life-coach told me to get out there and ENJOY THE FRUITS!, he wasn't talking about this rubbish. Ah fuck, the tops of my feet are burned. How long have I even been out here for? How long does it take for this shit to shrivel, because it's become a battle of wits. One of us has gotta outlast the other. Either my body is gonna prune up and shut down, or this fruit is gonna do the same. I'm changing my favorite fucking Beatles song, because Strawberry Feilds Forever hits too close to home now. Great, I'm outta moisturizer, and that apple is still as plump and juicy as it was 6 hours ago. I know! I'll sit on the blueberries like chicken eggs and the extra warmth will speed up the process. Bingo!"
Talk about a God awful way to lose your job.
"What did Tommy get canned for?"
"We caught him "keeping the berries warm"...If you know what I mean."
Then someone will have to be a tool and say "Oooo, graphic..." like some kind of asshole.
I just don't understand how people can eat something that looks like it should have dentures in it. The apricots remind me of replacement knee-cap cartilage. I could definitely see a doctor getting the real thing mixed up with the fruit during the operation. Then grandpa can't even put his new joints to use because everytime he sits down 36 neighborhood dogs come jostling for space in his lap.
"What the fuck Margie. I told you that doctor was a goddamn joke. I knew I shouldn't have used the same one who did your stupid augmentation. All I wanted to do was run the mile one last time before I die. That's the only reason I had the operation in the first place. And now I'm the goddamn dog whisperer. I'm running a fucking Kennel over here."
"You think that's bad Ted, I got all these fruit flies landing on my new tits."
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