Lie About Your Age If Your A Lesbian

"I'm really not too good at these types of things."

That's my usual response when someone asks me for advice. It's simple, and airtight. It allows me to wiggle out of having to help people with their dumb problems, and it keeps me from accidentally giving the "wrong" advice and having the person track me down to tell me I gave them "horrible advice." It also helps me evade the single toughest question known to man..."What kind of a friend are you?" Uhhh, I don't know. The kind of friend that hopes the next time you think about asking me for advice, you'll just decide to ingest dynamite instead.

But for some reason I was at a cross roads last night when my muff-diving roomate asked me if she should tell her muff-diving girlfriend her real age (20), or keep the lie (25) going longer. I promptly replied "Who gives a fuck", to which she came back with "What the hell kind of a roomate are you?"...Shit. So I decided to get my hands dirty.

I told her to just come clean. Tell her the truth. Lesbians don't care how old other lesbians really are. They can't have kids together. They probably aren't considering marriage. Maybe they wanna move in together and possibly get a cat and name it after their favorite cheese "Vul-veet-a". But all they're really doing is scanning around the room to figure out which foreign objects would feel good in their clam shacks.

[Thinks to herself] "Hmmm...That water bottle is intriguing but plastic might cause an infection. That cactus is...no that's a bad idea...That roll of masking tape kinda fascinates me but the sticky residue is less than appealing...but so are men, am I right? Ha, I crack myself up...Well looky-here, that swingline stapler is lookin' mighty dandy."

SHE IS NOT GONNA CARE if you are five years younger than you originally told her. That just means your vagina's newer. In my book that counts as a pleasant-fucking-surprise. Has anyone ever gone to pick up a blender they found on craigslist and said "Ummm, I'm sorry to be a pain here, but the ad clearly stated that the blender was 5 years old, and suffered severe wear and tear. This one you are giving me looks brand spanking new. There's no crack in the top, and the bottom edges are no where near as frayed as the pictures showed them to be. I'm sorry but the deal is OFF."

It's the same goddamn thing. People love new shit...And this includes va-jay's. SO WHAT if you lied by five years. That's just five years where instead of getting a pool net and a half a barbie doll body jammed in your hoo-hah by some other dame, you...Simply...Were...Not...Which is definitely better if you ask me...

And if she gets pissed then you'll only have on simple thing to say to her:

"What the hell kind of a dyke are you?"