Hang It Up

There's alot of things that we, as guys, can't and shouldn't, for that matter, get away with. We can't ride tandem bicycles, share umbrellas, wear an apron whilst baking, bake anything at all, talk about what your gonna bake and bring to a party, tell everyone at the party how much easier it was to bake after you realized that "half-ing" the recipe made for less mess. (By the way half-ing the recipe is fucking hardest thing ever. It's hard enough to have to measure in cups, ounces, and tablespoons. How the hell am I supposed to confidently divide up amounts of these units of measurements properly.

"These brownies are so doughy. Who made these this doughy? All I taste is pure dough. Can you believe this. Some party, huh? Doughy brownies. What a day I'm having. First my wife leaves me 'cuz I'm a dipshit complainer, and now I got a mouthful of doughy fucking bake sale treats."

Well that's 'cuz I don't know what half of 2/3 of a quarter of a cup of a half teaspoon of fucking flour is, you goddamn anal bead.

Of all these things that we can't do, there is one that sticks out in my mind as an automatic man-status killer.

CLOSET SPACE....

We should NOT discuss current closet space, inquire about future closet space, or imply through a complaint that the closet space we used to have was our main reason for moving to another house. ('Cuz everyone has a "main" reason for moving. "Well we hated the kitchen, and the bathrooms were too small, but honestly Sherryl, our main reason for moving was the neighbors building a hovercraft in their backyard. They'd be out there until 5AM just hammering, and bulletproofing, and talking about how much fun they would have once they were able to hydroplane in the water at breakneck speeds and then cruise up onto the beach without even skipping a beat." You're main reason should NEVER be closet space.

Even if you're thinking about it, keep it to yourself. We all know that most closets are too fucking small for all our superfluous shit, but you can NEVER verbalize this complaint. Imagine the damage it could do. Sitting aroung with your buddies.

"Jimmy, man you seem a little distant today. You've haven't touched your beer, and you're white as a ghost. Are you alright dude?"

"No guys, I'm fine."

"Seriously pal, what's eatin' ya?"

"You really wanna know"

"Sure do."

(sniffles, and tears up) "My closet is the size of a middle school locker! There isn't even enough room for my winter garments. I didn't realize how important closet space was to me until just now. I desperately need your guys' support here. Do you think I could keep some of my patterned flannels over at your place Bobby?"

Sad, just sad. Keep the closet convos to yourself, and you'll be just fine in this world.