Fifty-Fifty...A Man's Guide to Getting a Fair Share

Loose Woman 1: Can I steal some mascara from you?
Loose Woman 2: Absolutely not honey, this mah shit. Get ya own.
Loose Woman 1: Do you think I could borrow your car to run a quick errand?
Loose Woman 2: Shit girl, you must be crazy, you know I don't lend that shit out. Take your needy ass to the bus station.
Loose Woman 1: Can I please...
Loose Woman 2: NO!
Loose Woman 1: ....Help you slurp on that jumbo chocolate dong that's resting on your forehead.
Loose Woman 2: Of course baby!! Why didn't you say so? Here, I'll move over. There's enough room on this pillow for four knees.

Girls hate sharing, plain and simple. They come off all sweet and innocent but when it comes to their territory they will kill a bitch before lending it out. I mean, just the other day I was waiting on two ladies and asked them if they would care for dessert at the end of their meal. One girl looked at her friend and whispered "Do you want to split the chocolate cake?" To which her blob friend replied, in a super cunty tone, "No...I want my own." And sure enough the heffer got her own cake, licked her plate clean and scampered off into the moonlight (it was 1:30 in the afternoon, but the flawless Lunar eclipse that her two ton tum tum created when she walked outside had us all fooled.) They simply do not enjoy splitting anything down the middle...unless it's hard, veiny, and attached to a scrotum.

I've seen girls fight over everything. Leggings, makeup, jello, shoes, shirts, skirts, candy, 3-D doritos, prune juice, but never a gentleman's penis. In every single porno threesome ever created, the two girls share that shit like a couple of knob hobbing Ghandi's. They help each other out, pass the dingaling off to one another like an Olympic torch, and always share the Gold like an awestruck, humble figure skating tandem. And while one is gliding around blowing kisses to the crowd and collecting single roses off the ice, the other is licking up the slack and finishing the important job that they started. They work as an unstoppable team, like a pack of sled dogs mushing through the Alaskan Yukon.

There are alot of men out there, including myself, who have never had a threesome, and probably never will. Fear may, or may not have something to do with this, but most of you are astronomically more prepared for this situation than you think. If you are a teacher, a dad, or work with kids in any way at all, then you are fully armed with the skills necessary to properly conduct yourself during a menage-a-tois. This sounds filthy, but hear me out. If you fall into any of these categories, then encouraging a healthy amount of sharing is black inked into your job description. You want your kids to share their toys, and your students to share their pencils, erasers, and snacks. That's why whenever you see porn with a dude engaged in a hot beej from two chicks, he is most likely an underpaid 4th grade educator and knows exactly what to say if the girls start getting greedy (this is the reason porn directors have the male star play a teacher during their scene, not out of kinkiness, but familiarity with the role). Phrases like "Let you're friend have a turn", "Uh,uh, uh, play nice girls", "No fighting, there's enough to go around" and, "Wait til' your mother finds out about this" are interchangeable between 3-ways and solving schoolyard/household dilemmas.

For this reason, and this reason alone I can say with the utmost confidence that I WILL NEVER encourage sharing, caring, teamwork, or the lending of a helping hand with any of my daughters. "Dad, Donna won't share her barbies with me!", "Good, get used to it! I don't want to see you two sharing anything...EVER...you got that!...now go play in separate corners." The second I encourage anything but selfishness, they will be out tag teaming poles at all hours of the night, and I just can't run a household like that. Girls see a hog and immediately set all their differences aside. If two girls win the lottery on the same ticket, and the payout is $40,000 a year over the next 10 years, they will take their 20 G's a piece and head their separate ways. Conversely, if the payout is a 60 inch ox cock, then they will take their earnings in one "lump" sum and move in together for an amicable life of blowjobbery.

You can't stop a cockfight with a cat...but you sure as fuck CAN stop a cat fight with a cock.