DADDY RULEZZZ

Every Chick in this universe thinks that their dad is a BADASS. They will literally sit around in a pow-wow circle and take turns interrupting one another's "daddy" stories to strike up a convo about their own. Usually it has to do with some random creep stick they dated and how he tried to take over her life until big bad papa had to step in and set the boy straight with some hard nosed old-man (probably uncool) action. Because most dads lose their coolness around 45, unless you're like me and plan on supplying endless amounts of hard sauce, experimental drugs, broads, and safety-less firearms to all of your unique youngins.

"Now you listen up you little shit, you WILL leave my daughter alone! And I know you will. You wanna know how I know? Because if you so much as touch another hair on her head EVER-fucking-again, I swear on my mother's wind blown ashes that I will harm you in ways that will baffle scientists, and re-inspire deranged psychopaths. I will boil your teeth in a soup bowl, pour the hot enamel over my croc cock (a crocodile shaped cock, and when you finish your not done...you're dundee) and fuck your empty gums unabashedly. Am I making myself clear?" (Of course he wouldn't be a dad if he didn't ruin a perfectly good speech with the ever uncool "Am I making myself clear?")

I just don't understand how every girl can have a badass dad, when not every dad is a badass. I'm nothing even close to resembling a badass and I plan on having daughters of mine own one day (not by choice of course...Karma is a motherfucker). What the fuck kind of badass tales are my daughters going to tell around their friends.

Friend: "My dad fought in Iraq, and wears an eyepatch, and has a tattoo of the globe on his chest where the red inked continents are the ones he's already single handedly invaded, and the blue ones are the ones where he deemed the women un-fuckable and thus the country un-invadable. Like he strolled into India dressed like a Viking while everyone cringed and bowed before him.

"You're people have no need to worry. I will not be taking over this country violently...Because you're women are not slammin'."

My Daughters: "Well our dad, mowed the lawn the other day with goggles on. He was afraid of the new blade kicking up any golf ball sized rocks and hitting his cornea's. He's a very cautious man and still fucks our mom...with his t-shirt on. My boyfriend Jonas slept over the other night, and my dad doesn't very much care for him, so in the morning he cranked the toaster to full blast and burnt the shit out of Jonas's pumpernickel. 'Cuz....that's...just...the type of dad he is...bitches."

The funniest thing ever is seeing two dad's of college girl roomates interact for the first time on parent's weekend or move in day. One dad shows up with bifocals, a tucked in John Ashford, and pleats in his Docker's so sharp and pronounced like he irons them with a Blu-Ray player. Then you have the other dad walk in with flaming skulls on his leather jacket. A texaco shortsleeve name tagged "Ned". Fingerless biker gloves, a fresh gunshot wound, and a scar down the side of his face that he got in a knife fight with an Iron Chef turned Green Beret.

"Hello my name is Theodore. Have you heard about Docker's new spring line.?"

and the Beret just tugs his balls and hocks one on ted's eyeglasses. And says something ridiculously badass that I could never pull off..."Fuck you, I hate the spring."