I Can't Hear A Word You're Saying

My hearing is fucked...And at the ripe old age of 25...ain't that a bitch (I'm trying to bring that phrase back, because when you use any slang in a sentence along with bitch you should pat yourself on the back as many times as you want. "Where's my cheddar bitch" - referring to money, "You seen my 9-milli anywhere, 'cuz I'm about the go spray lead at these bitches. Or my favorite, the variation of the original "Ain't that about a bitch." All you gotta do it change one word and it ups the quality ten-fold.) I digress per usual.

I cannot hear shit. I have been warned countless times. I've actually had my mom tell me she was warning me while I was being warned by someone else simultaneously. I had my music plugs shoved deep into my ear cavities, like pretty fucking deep, when I pulled them out they were doused in wax and a piece of dark blue glob, which I assume is a piece of my brain. I can't be sure which piece, but since I yanked it I've forgotten how to tie my shoes, dress myself, operate spray cans, and how old I am. I pretty much just walk around town naked with free flying laces, shaking and scolding a lysol bottle while I ask people to guesstimate my age.

My mother said "I'm warning you, take those earbuds out, or you'll go deaf." But of course I wasn't listening because blaring from those headphones was an Ice Cube song where was was telling me "Take these headphone shits off son, I'm 'bout to blow ya muuuhfuckin' brain up playboy." Now, I don't usually listen to my mom, but Cube is basically the Law for me, and I still ignored him. And now I am suffering the consequences.

I deal with people everyday getting increasingly P.O'd when I sound like a fucking bully who knows that the kid I'm picking on isn't gonna do shit but sit there and take his beating quietly. "What? What? What? What are you gonna do about it?". People hate repeating themselves. It's gotta be the number one pet peeve on the planet. If you don't think it bothers you give it a try and see if you don't turn into an absolute blood thirsty BEAST on your last go-round of trying to make the person hear you.

"Excuse me, do you have the time?"
"It's two thirty".
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that".
"I said, It's two thirty".
"So sorry, but I still can't hear you".
"It's TWO THIRTY YOU FUCKING DEAF RINGWORM"
"I understand you want to keep your ring warm, no one wants a frigid wedding band wrapped around their finger. But I really need to know the time".

I mean my ears are getting to the point now where even enormous BOOMS just sound like faint scratches miles off in the distance. I'm worried that I'm going to sitting in my room fiddling with the settings on my new hearing aid and then "Ding". "My re-heated applesauce must be done. Damn that microwave is good and fast". I walk outta the room for my sauce BUT there is nothing there. I'm standing in a vast, empty desert while people run in terror, scream bloody murder, and explosions pop like bubbles as far as the eye can see. "Did I just mistake my microwave for armageddon.?" Then I'd be on the news like a retard.

"Yea so I just thought my applesauce was done. I couldn't have seen this coming".
"So what will you do now that you're the last man on the planet."
"Janet? No she's not around anymore. I don't know if you heard. I'm the last man on the planet."

Ain't that aabbbouuuttt a bitch.