Rob Pattinson: Proof That The Dead Walk Among Us

If I ever meet Rob Pattison, the first question outta my mouth will be "What's Moses like? I bet he's a real sauce hound? Am I right? Am I right?"

This kid looks like he's been dead since '87. He looks like he spent his childhood in the trunk of his Uncle's car bending metal, and making feverishly fancy, hand made knockers for people with large castle like wooden doors, that his uncle could sell and turn a profit. Hey it's not a big deal, I wish for 1 second that someone would recognize a skill I had, kidnap me, make me their slave with unbearable living conditions, and use me to make some SERIOUS dough.

I just don't understand what the big selling point with this son of a bitch is. What the hell is his speech gonna be if he ever wins an oscar?

"Thanks everyone for supporting me. Thank you to my fans. And Big ups to the big guy upstairs for letting me carry on living as a ghoul even after I drowned in my own fish tank after a gnnnnarly hot pocket and cookie food coma. If anyone wants to congratulate me just come up to me after the show...I'll be the guy walking through walls..."

When Billy Boy Shakespeare came up with the term "dead as a door nail" people must of thought he was crazy. Well folks he doesn't look like such a nut job now, does he? Too bad he never saw his genius realized because it took 2 more centuries for this ghastly apparition to come along. Rob Pattinson is dead as a motherfucking door nail, and whoever put the last nail in his coffin door obviously doesn't know how to use a hammer.

I went to his gravesite the other day to drop off some flowers. There was a sign on the headstone. "Out and about, running errands. Be back around 4:30".

Imagine being the Cemetary Keeper on watch at that point. Its safe so say that you should hit up the classified ads, because if you can't do the simplest job on earth...Keeping dead bodies from walking the streets, then you belong over at Pep Boys. Not changing oil, but standing in front of the garage, handing out 10% discount cards, while people take one, wait 'til they round the corner and fling it on the sidewalk.