Hang it Up

If you're working in any blue collar industry then you probably have a locker where you go everyday to drop off/pick up personal belongings. It's probably 50 years old, rusted, and has a broken hinge that you have to hit real swiftly to get it to open...Which is something that you usually do in high school when the new girl gets the "locker that you had last year" and she is struggling to open it on the first day. A lame, cocksucker move, but highly impressive nevertheless.

Once you get this locker open, the inside of the door is littered with pictures of hot babes cut out of old porno mags and swimsuit issues. How come these old timer grease monkeys have the most outdated fucking pictures of ex-hot girls. They pretty much have gross yellow tinted newspaper clippings of Sears underwear models, where the panties come up over their belly button like their stomach is a blow up mattress and they are trying to plug the air hole before they let a teeency bit slip out. (The scariest thing ever is the swift motion you have to make after pumping something up to cover the hole before even the smallest bit of airs seeps, negating all the work you just did.) The girls they have pinned up in there have big hair and aerobic socks on, with neon scrunchies and eyebrows thicker than humidity.

Unfortunately, alot of these dudes also have pictures of their kids in there as well, which is pretty fucking disturbing. You can't accidentally position you're son's soccer portrait underneath Miss February 1986's wrecking ball clit. It's ridiculously awkward. I think you gotta wait to have kids if you own a locker of any kind. It's gotta be one or the other. You either hang your kids or you hang your hoes. Can't do both, sorry.

When your wife comes outta the delivery room with your baby girl, the first thing you gotta think of is who you are gonna hand down your nudie pics too. It sucks but you gotta make room for the baby photos, cuz if you don't your just a horny asshole and a bad dad. You gotta go into work, slowly open up that rusty tin box, take those pics down one by one, as you bid each one goodbye individually "Sorry, Mary Anne Schwartz, you always gave me something to look forward to in the morning. But I have a baby girl now, I hope you understand. You'll always be my number 1 cut out, and don't you forget it."

Give the photo a kiss and hand it over to the young apprentice who has the locker next to you. "Here you go pal, hopefully she brings you as much joy as she's brought me."-- "Um, thanks but no thanks Joe. I'm gonna put up some fucking Megan Fox pictures, you old hack. Who the fuck is Belinda Reed anyways? How 'bout you get a clue and pin up some up to date hotties."

Old or not, going from a saucy lady in a bright orange bikini to a newborn is the worst downgrade ever. Hold off on the kids if you have a locker.